Careers
Join a Team That Is Going Places. We Won’t Say Where.
Futtbucker is always hiring, because we are always losing people to burnout, competitors, and clarity. Bring your talent, your ambition, and your ability to describe both in a way that sounds like neither.
“The bee is for Braden. I manage Braden. Braden manages intake. Intake manages you. This is called a reporting line, and it goes up, and it turns.”
Dr. Solveig BjørnstadChief Thought Officer · Read the vita →Our Values
Five words we put on the wall. Then billed for.
- Alignment. We all face the same direction. The direction is up and to the right.
- Transparency. You can see right through our reasoning.
- Ownership. Of the outcome, by you. Of the IP, by us.
- Bias for action. Any action. Choose one. Go.
- Customer obsession. Clinically, in some cases.
Open Roles
Nine positions. Zero descriptions you’ll understand.
All roles report to someone. That person also reports to someone. It goes up from there, then it turns, then it invoices. Every executive title carries a one-time seat fee, payable by the executive and refundable upon graduation to a compensated level. No executive has graduated.
Enablement · Remote (but not really)
Synergy Enablement Lead
You will enable synergy. What synergy is, and whom it is for, will be covered in onboarding, which is ongoing. The ideal candidate has 8 to 12 years of experience in a role that did not exist 8 to 12 years ago.
Compensation: Competitive. With whom, we won’t say.
Bucketization · Hybrid (3 days in office, 4 days on call)
Junior Vice President of Buckets
Own the bucket portfolio end to end. Identify buckets. Name buckets. Defend the names in committee. Report to the Senior Vice President of Buckets, who reports to The Bucket.
Compensation: Base plus a bucket.
Advisory Services · On-site, obviously
Head of Anal Retention
Lead our fastest-growing practice. You will go where other consultants won’t and stay longer than anyone expects. Must be comfortable with follow-up. Internal transfer only; external candidates will be onboarded into another role first and then transferred, which takes about a year and is billable.
Compensation: Commensurate with discomfort.
Marketing · Wherever thoughts occur
Thought Leader (Contract)
Produce 3 to 5 thoughts per week for distribution on LinkedIn under an executive’s name. Thoughts must be original, insightful, and indistinguishable from the previous week’s. Prior leadership not required. Prior thoughts a plus.
Compensation: Per thought. Rate varies by thought.
Finance · Corporate HQ (floor undisclosed)
Director of Directional Correctness
Ensure that all figures presented to clients, investors, and regulators are directionally correct. You will not be asked which direction. Strong Excel skills and a flexible relationship with the concept of a total.
Compensation: Directionally above market.
The Institute · Unknown
Certified Futtbucker Fellow (Invitation Only)
This posting exists so that Fellows can point to it. Do not apply. If you have to apply, you are not a Fellow. If you are a Fellow, you already have the job and are reading this on company time.
Compensation: Not discussed.
All Departments · Everywhere, simultaneously
Intern
Support the organization. All of it. Duties include synergy, buckets, invoices, the fourth practice, and lunch. This is a learning opportunity, and what you will learn is how the other roles on this page got created.
Compensation: Exposure. Also a badge.
General Application · Anywhere
Don’t See Your Role?
Neither do we. Describe the position you believe should exist, the value it would create, and the budget line it would come from. If we agree, we will create the role, post it here, and hire someone else for it.
Compensation: To be invented alongside the role.
Reversal Services · Wherever we were last
Reversal Practitioner
Return to clients we have already transformed and transform them back. You will use the same deck, read in reverse, and the same badge, worn the other way. Ideal candidates have delivered at least one forward engagement and are willing to describe it as “a foundation.” Under the Bidirectional Value Doctrine™, this role is fully reversible.
Compensation: Slightly above the forward equivalent. This is not explained.
Futtbucker Newswire · Remote, unread
Press Release Writer
Announce things. Whether they happened is a separate department. You will write one release per week, each beginning “Futtbucker Corporation, Inc., the global leader in,” and each ending with a quote from the Chairman that the Chairman has not seen. Familiarity with the phrase “today announced” is required. Familiarity with today is not.
Compensation: Per release. Coverage bonus never triggered.
Benefits
We take care of our people. We take care of the paperwork first.
- Unlimited PTO. All requests reviewed. All requests pending.
- Comprehensive health coverage. Covers the whole body, front to back, end to end.
- 401(k) match. We match your enthusiasm.
- Professional development. Futtbucker Certification at a preferred employee rate of 100% of list.
- Parental leave. Generous. Verbally.
- Remote-first culture. First, we ask you to come in.
- Equity. FUTT is privately held. So is the equity.
- Free snacks. Directionally free.
The Hiring Process
Six stages. One is the offer. Guess which.
- Application. Submit a résumé and a cover letter explaining why you want to work here. We will read the second one.
- Screening call. 30 minutes. 25 of them are about our mission.
- Panel interview. Six interviewers, one question, no correct answer.
- Case study. Bucketize a fictional company. Do not ask which one. It’s Vandelay.
- References. Three, all of whom must already work here.
- Offer. Delivered by courier, in a sealed envelope, with an invoice for the courier.
Futtbucker is an equal opportunity employer. All candidates receive the same opportunity, which is this page.
4.9/5
employee rating, self-reported, by employees who report to us
11 mo.
average tenure, or as we call it, one engagement
100%
of staff describe the culture as “a culture”
Employee Perspective
“I joined Futtbucker as an intern and within two years I was a Junior Vice President. I still don’t know of what, and I’ve stopped asking.”
Delphine Marchetti-Kowalczyk, Junior Vice President, Futtbucker Corporation, Inc.